Friday, December 01, 2006
I just realised that being in a relationship can be really really hectic and exhausting. Nothing happened between me and my bf, don't worry. It's just that I tend to raise up my expectation bar. Slightly a bit higher this time. Ya..I may sound ridiculous but.. I do this all for our future benefits.
He's only half mile away from perfection if you ask me.
But after being together for such a long period of time, I realised he's not the right man for me yet. I need someone who can really help me when I need him the most. I need someone who can really be there for me...I need someone who is manly enough to make the right decision for me. My expectations ain't that high right?? In fact, it's really simple!! But God really puts our love to test.
Tonight, I blurted everything out to him. I had made up my mind to pour out everything that I had kept inside my heart for all these years. I cant bear this burden anymore. I'm falling and nobody is there to hold me. I'm always alone, too independent perhaps.
I had given him a lot of chances. REALLY!! NO JOKE! But to no avail. The results were always disappointing. I really don't mind giving chances but TIME really matters. A relationship cannot survive solely by giving chances. It really doesn't work for me. I really hope I can wait patiently for miracles to happen but, I'm very realistic. I admit that. I know when I cannot see future in a relationship, I need to end it cause there's no point clinging and clutching on this fruitless relationship anymore. It's like chopping down a tree that is unable to bear sweet fruits anymore. I don't care how long the relationship is as long as when it's not optimistic, I will have to do it. Ya..that sounds cruel and it will surely hurt like hell, but life has never being kind to me. It all depends on him now.
I'm offering him our one last chance. And he knows that too.
Whether my bf and I can walk together on the red carpet, standing hand in hand facing the altar in the house of GOD, making the same vow to be loyal, obedient, and to love each other forever, to look after each other for the rest of our life, to vow that till death do us apart, I surrender it all to God. Because I strongly believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A PURPOSE.
I'm too tired to decide, I don't know how to decide anymore. Wisdom is deteriorating in me.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
So..what about telling you what I did/do during study week. Hehehe
1. Sleep late and woke up late daily.
2. Eat, eat and eat.
3. Play, play and play.
4. Chit-chat with friends; updating the latest gossips.
5. Day and night dreaming.
6. Counting how many days left to 8th Dec. (7 more days. YES!)
7. Finding myself in dilemma whether to study or sleep (oops! hahaha)
and the list goes on and on...
basically, that's what I did these few days!
I know, I know..i'm supposed to study but..... ~10 short stories, 2 dramas, and countless poems with their literary meanings really demotivate me! argh!!
ANd the story ends with M-E......
*pulling my hair*
Monday, November 27, 2006
Though it was unplanned, I enjoyed myself to the fullest because…
1) I got the chance to eat yummy stuff: Tom Yam Seafood Ramen and Tuna sandwich (wanted to proceed with so many other food… but Angel will start screaming and throwing her tantrum…hence, I held my thought till dinner hahaha :P)
2) I bought a lovely, adorable, cute, ladylike, “girly” dress at Comma.
3) Ate a luxurious dinner cooked by Angel, the “mother-in-law”.
Hmm... one of my advanced 21st birthday wish is to eat lots and lots of delicious food everyday!! :P kekekekeke
At least my life is coloured with FOOD, FOOD and only FOOD!!!
Friday, November 24, 2006
All this while, my life has never been easy here. Moving in and out for countless times when others remain in the same house for a long period of time. Why all the bad stuff always strikes on me?!
What have I done to deserve this "heavy punishment"?!!!
Friends.. ya I have them, but limited. I really hate myself for not making more friends. I realised that being not able to do things together makes a lot of difference. It creates boundaries and gaps and that's really really sad and heart-breaking.
Sometimes I really hate myself for being a BUG who keeps on bugging around them. If I have a choice, I rather choose not to put myself in this pathetic situation. Guys, if I had done anything that unconsciously offended you all, please forgive me ok? I'm still learning how to become a better person. And thanks a lot for being around me. Without you guys I think I will be six feet under ground for a long long time already.
It doesn't matter anymore as I hope I can get immunised by this "sickness"...
I really hope I can get away from here as soon as possible.. really wish time flies faster and fastest! Can't wait to get graduated and leave UT hell..
Monday, November 20, 2006
I feel so heavy-burdened these few days...
Not in the mood for blogging, not in the mood for studying, not in the mood for chatting, bla bla bla.. the only mood I have now is EATING, spending money, gaming, being a couch potato, exercising and also "homesicking" hahaha (feel so great nowadays that I can simply create my own words)
Tension is in the air la~~ really sien~ causing my mind to be blank all the time.
Now it's already week 7 leH~~ and tomorrow is Japanese oral test~ AH pU~~~~~~~~~~
Three alphabets in my mind -------------> D-I-E
I can feel my head spinning round and round...
Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..............sien la...after week 7 it's gonna be study leave liao lo~~ seeing my housemates all so "eng" occupying the living room catching up with the drama episodes daily really torture me la.. sien~~
How I wish to fly back now~~ :(
But in order to fly back peacefully, I need to pass 2 subjects leh... both are equally hard!!
Japanese Language ---> Senseis very stirct!!
Malaysian Literature pulak ---> *sigh* thinking about it makes me SICK!! *vomit blood*
Hope I can come up with something that's interesting in my next blog lo.. :P
Till then... ADIOS~~~
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I felt burning inside me when I see these two powerful yet weak words.
I found it very contradicting...
Women know what women should be protected from but yet... the victims are still W-O-M-E-N in the end.
Should we blame it on women for being too soft-hearted?
This is what I encounter after 20 years of experience...
1) They are always the one who wins the battle in almost everything.
2) They are cunning, insidious.
3) Love provoker.
4) Dangerous as in deceiving.
5) Look always comes first, heart? (Oh, I think they were already mesmerised by the looks.
So, it doesn't matter..as long as big enough, slim enough, eveything is negotiable)
6) Trouble-makers, heart-breakers.
7) Excuse-finder and good challenger.
8) You can never read their criminal mastermind.
9) Word keeper (ya right~~!! KOR....PUIK~~!)
1) Naive, weak, feeble, soft-hearted.
2) Easily fooled.
3) Insist to go on though it's obviously a boogy trap.
4) Easily cheated, easily melted.
5) Once provoked, no more mercy.
6) Scary at times.
7) It's heart that matters, look is optional.
9) Strong bond of sisterhood.
"You were innocent.
He led you
to the kingdom of vultures.
He ruled the kingdom
ruled the forest
he ruled you."
-an excerpt from "A Father's Words for a Lost Child"
by Suhaimi Haji Muhammad
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
My heart has been crying every now and then like the november weather; raining when you didnt expect it will.
All my questions were finally answered yesterday. I finally gathered enough courage to settle the doubts that had been haunting me for the past few days. Ya, I'm relieved after clearing all the clouds in my mind but at the same time I am making up my mind to let go everything. I really hope that I can do it...
My heart bleeds everytime when I think of the trespasser. What made me delighted was that he told me that he likes me. But when I asked him "Do you love me?", he took such a long time to answer my simple question. After a few moment, he said...."Yaa...sort of..". <---that was really a very heavy evident that shows how much he likes me but not LOVE me.
As for me, I like him too. But, when it comes to love... I do not think so.. I love the feeling being together with him but I am not sure whether it's called L-O-V-E.
Things are getting clearer and clearer and I had made up my mind to peel off this feeling and bury it deep deep deep down the grave.
I was to be blamed for not "responding" when he carried out the first move few years ago. Guess now I have to be responsible for my own mistake.
Both of my shoulders feel so heavy... trespasser one shoulder... my 3 years-old relationship on the other. I really hope I can be fair to both sides. I really hope that I can give up 2 sides as a punishment for not "respoding" to the trespasser and for not being loyal to the 3 years old relationship. I want to be fair to the 3 year old relationship, but I do not have the courage to tell him that my heart does not belongs to him. angel and devil are battling inside me... angel is telling me to let go both sides...but devil is asking me to continue...Who is gonna win in the end?
I hope angel...
My heart is hurting me so much that I am gasping for oxygen...
I wish to escape but I have no place to do so,
I wish for Eden but it's too far for me to reach,
I wish I am heartless but I can't fight Mother Nature,
I wish I am mean but my innerself is stronger,
I wish I know what to do but ignorance always wins the battle.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
My heart hurts so much now as if it is telling me to turn back and wake up from my dream.
I am in such a terrible mood that I felt like there are no hope in everything I do in this world. Here I am once again, isolating myself from the world....
until... the msn messenger rang...
It was the trespasser. It's HIM. I was suddenly brightened up..
His greetings were powerful enough to cheer me up.
I was deciding to give up on him when he suddenly appeared again, melting my heart like the way he always did. Why? WHy? Why???????
Why am I so useless????
I REALLY HATE MYSELF for who I am now...
I hate myself to always convince myself, giving excuses to forgive myself on what I had done.
DARN!!! What should I do?
My friend used to tell me not to worry about the things that will never gonna happen. Yeah, I totally agree. But...I am too weak to fight the feelings inside me...
I feel so weak...feel like dying...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
1) I dressed up like a "girl" today.
2) I wasted 15 minutes to get my hair done.
3) I even sacrificed my breakfast to get my attire done (ki siao!)
4) I'm not even nervous though we were almost late for Rajan sensei's class.
This special feeling went on until my buddy, Yin Ting asked, "Wah! Dressed so nice today ar? Go out "pou" ar later?"
Her words weren't striking but they are powerful enough to destroy this special kinda feeling... Don't ask why cause trust me, I don't have a clue! OMG!!! I'm really a wacko!!
I just realised that I found the original ME after an outing with Willie the other day. The old me is back! Finally, the gila me is back, the happy-go-lucky me, the not-so-easily-emotional me, the naive me, the stupid me are finally BACK!! (even Yin Ting realised that you see?!)
On the other hand, I just realised that I'd been so "old" all this while... "old" as in:
1) So easily de-motivated when facing obstacles.
2) So easily giving up when people rejected me.
3) So easily cried even with petty matters.
4) Worried like a wife and a mother! Oh My Goodness!!
5) Dressed in an unattractive way that indicates "Fashion is not my cup of tea"
For the past 6 months, I felt like a san-ju sai (30 year-old)
The past outing really meant a lot to me! I feel rejuvenated! And lifted up, and refreshed, and revived, restored and whatever words that cling with the words that I used..
It was raining cats and dogs last night and I enjoyed the natural, cool breeze in the living room. I felt like I was at Cameron Highland, surrounded by bed of roses. The most enjoyable moment was the moment that I wanted to share most! I felt so energetic while reading "Green is the Colour" and felt like doing house chores at the same time. Non-stop. I walked to and fro the living room, hoping to come up with something to do. So, I ended up sweeping the floor, collecting rubbish, and washing all my filthy clothes.
The cool breeze swayed softly around me, lifting me high in the air while I savoured my sweet and sour Fuji apple. Enjoying the night view at the verandah of A-707, I pampered myself by letting the breeze kissed my cheeks. I wish to be embraced by the trespasser... discussing about petty stuffs, giggling and whispering romantically at the verandah, right until the moment we fell asleep.
Though it did not happened as what I wished, I found myself enjoying the uninvited seclusion.
I guess that is how I developed the dont-know-why-happy mood lo..
Hehe.. Ki siao~~
Monday, November 06, 2006
That's what you are,
You come and go whenever you want to,
Leaving my heart trembling,
Lost in a dead end.
I have no choice,
But to fall in love,
With your company,
That melts my heart,
Each time you held my hand.
Should I let you know,
The voice within?
Or should I remain,
I guess it's anonymous...
Life SUCKS, man!!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
All this while I say I hate those who involve in triangle love...but now, I think I'm starting to get into a triangular love (but this is only my opinion, Willie didn't know my feelings towards him) Damn~~~ What should I do? Hide my feelings and hope it fades away?? But it's been more than 3 years (I guess). I thought time can flushed you away but, contrarily it makes you become even more memorable. I wish I can turn back time...Wish everything didn't happened~~ :(
I feel very comfortable being with you, spending our time together, carving sweet memories in my heart. My heart melt away the moment you held my hand, crossing the road...without looking left and right, cause I know I will be safe crossing the road with you holding my hand, I know you will bring me to the safe side. It's been a long time since I last experience this same old feeling again. I feel so easy..nothing to worry nothing to ponder, just having FUN.
I know we do not have tomorrow, guess it is going to be the last time we met last night. I'm sorry... I don't know what to do in order to keep things in order. I'm so afraid that things will get out of hand when I see you again... I guess I'm really...............................................................
Thursday, November 02, 2006
"Stop laughing la! I don't know whether it's real or he's just fooling around?!!? Come on, what do you think about that?", I asked nervously.
"Well, I'm not really sure bout that though," Leo controling himself from laughing out loud.
Losing my temper and feeling embarassed at the same time, I punched him HARD.
"OUCH!!! That hurts la. Stop it." Leo screamed and he continues, "Ok Ok. I know how you feel la, relax la dude, he's ok what, try him la."
Well, that was part of the undiscovered puzzles of my life. After 3 years or perhaps, more than 3 years, I'm still hesitating whether Willie really mean it or not when he said "I LIKE YOU" on that particular night. I admitted that I had feelings for him in the end but... being a girl, I was waiting...perhaps I AM waiting for Willie to propose to me again that he likes me one day.
Curiosity began to haunt me since the night he told me that 3 feeble words. I am demanding a confirmation from him but there was no response until this very day. Maybe he doesn't know, perhaps he really doesn't have any idea of what I am or was thinking. ArghhhH!!!! I don't even know what I am typing about~ Somebody please untangle my thought~!!
I still remember vividly what and how it happened. We were chatting through MSN as usual on that night and he suddenly popped out with those 3 words. My heart stopped pumping for a few seconds and I found it hard to breathe at that very moment. Silly me! I was trying to confront myself that he was only joking. When I scolded him for not being serious, Willie was kinda angry at me for not believing him. I nearly fell for him that time but unfortunately my strong pride held me back. Moreover, he did nothing to convince me. That is why I am kinda mad at him even until now. I mean, logicaly, a guy will try put all his efforts to persuade or in a better term, to court the girl that they like, right? But to my great surprise, Willie didn't make any changes at all. All he did was continue to chat with me until now and still calls me "sweetheart". I like the way he called me though, but things are still very obscure and I don't like that.
Guess I'm too sensitive. I was waiting for him to really say it out, for at least I know that he's not fooling around, but things happened unpredictably for the past few years. Finally my heart has been snatched away by the one who knows how to grab opportunities. Actually, what I wanted was Willie's C-O-N-F-I-R-M-A-T-I-O-N at that moment. If only he tried to convince me, if only he held himself stronger, if things happened according to what I wished, the person who is sharing my parts and parcels of life now will be none other but him.
Guess it's all too late for both of us now...
*Leo and Willie are fictious names which I created to protect their identities.