*sigh*<--- I know it's not good to sigh always but.. sighing is helpful enough to ease my burdens and worries for at least one precious milisecond.
I just realised that being in a relationship can be really really hectic and exhausting. Nothing happened between me and my bf, don't worry. It's just that I tend to raise up my expectation bar. Slightly a bit higher this time. Ya..I may sound ridiculous but.. I do this all for our future benefits.
He's only half mile away from perfection if you ask me.
But after being together for such a long period of time, I realised he's not the right man for me yet. I need someone who can really help me when I need him the most. I need someone who can really be there for me...I need someone who is manly enough to make the right decision for me. My expectations ain't that high right?? In fact, it's really simple!! But God really puts our love to test.
Tonight, I blurted everything out to him. I had made up my mind to pour out everything that I had kept inside my heart for all these years. I cant bear this burden anymore. I'm falling and nobody is there to hold me. I'm always alone, too independent perhaps.
I had given him a lot of chances. REALLY!! NO JOKE! But to no avail. The results were always disappointing. I really don't mind giving chances but TIME really matters. A relationship cannot survive solely by giving chances. It really doesn't work for me. I really hope I can wait patiently for miracles to happen but, I'm very realistic. I admit that. I know when I cannot see future in a relationship, I need to end it cause there's no point clinging and clutching on this fruitless relationship anymore. It's like chopping down a tree that is unable to bear sweet fruits anymore. I don't care how long the relationship is as long as when it's not optimistic, I will have to do it. Ya..that sounds cruel and it will surely hurt like hell, but life has never being kind to me. It all depends on him now.
I'm offering him our one last chance. And he knows that too.
Whether my bf and I can walk together on the red carpet, standing hand in hand facing the altar in the house of GOD, making the same vow to be loyal, obedient, and to love each other forever, to look after each other for the rest of our life, to vow that till death do us apart, I surrender it all to God. Because I strongly believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A PURPOSE.
I'm too tired to decide, I don't know how to decide anymore. Wisdom is deteriorating in me.