Friday, March 30, 2007

Sweet Memories

Flipping back the photos of my family increases my homesickness...

I started to feel homesick since yesterday and the situation worsened when I look back at the photo of my mum, dad, 2 younger brothers and my big brother.
Mum "aeroplaned" me!
She promised that she'll call me this afternoon but she didn't in the end :(

She's always like that.

But I'm not angry at her la.. I know she's busy. In fact, I'm worry bout her. Worry whether she can manage the business or not, worry whether she's in good health or not,worry whether dad bullies her or not (hehe), worry whether my naughty brothers increases her blood pressure or not...etc etc. I wish I'm at home now. Then I can always see mum around, talk to her, tease her. And of course not forgetting my precious darling, Gigi. I miss her more than my 2 younger brothers! Hahahaha

Just in case you're wondering who's Gigi, Ta daa....

-This is my baby, Gigi Ling-

She is our youngest "sibling" of all. Everyone love her very very much because...

1)She knows how to make everyone happy when we're down.

2)She knows how to put on her best behaviour when the situation is not right.

3)She somehow knows how to show that innocent look of hers when we didn't allow her to go out to play with her friends.

4)She knows how to sit on bike and she'll be mad at you when you refuse to bring her go'makan angin'.

5)She amazingly knows how to listen to "Foo Chow" when mum is lecturing her.

6)She will obviously ignore you for the whole day when you hit her or scolded her.

7)She is my youngest "sister" who can never get me laying my hands on her cause she's too CUTE!

All I can say is that, Gigi is the spoiling-product of my dad. Let me show you how.

Dad will serve her good food while we eat only canned food. (UNFAIR)

Dad will call to make sure that Gigi has eaten when he went outstation. (mum was obviously jealous)

Dad will tear chicken meat piece by piece for her and when we said we want too, Dad will say,"Got hands right? Tear it youself la! So big already still need me to tear chicken meat for you meh? Gigi is different, she's still a baby.. What happens if the bones stuck in between her small, mild teeth?"

*roll eyes at dad quietly*

The consequence of this habit is that Gigi doesn't eat BONE. Other dogs hunger for BONES and will shake off their tails when they see one. But, bones = toys for Gigi. Mum said maybe Gigi's previous life was an emperor's favourite pet dog. That's why she's enjoying a luxurious life in our family. Hahaha

Btw Gigi has a fullname, you know.

Actually, we have just lost Gigi's youngest 'sister' a month ago.

~Late Sugar~

Sugar was her name. Dad found her abondoned at the garbage corner in town when dad was opening up our stall one early morning. Feeling very pity for little Sugar at that time, Daddy asked mummy for her permission to bring little Sugar home cause my mum is not very fond of pets except for Gigi. Miraculously mum permitted. Sugar's innocent look must had did the trick. Dad was so happy that he quickly brought little Sugar home before Mum changes her mind. Back at home, Gigi was not very happy at the new family recruitment. She didn't wanna eat, didn't wanna play, and obviously everyone started to divert attentions to Sugar cause she's the youngest now.

Sugar tried to approach Gigi but Gigi will just turn away from her cause she's jealous at her for stealing the attention away from us. Sugar will let Gigi wins everytime Gigi bullies her. Seeing Sugar being bullied, my youngest bro was very protective towards her and smart Sugar will massage him at the back when my brother asked her to. So, she won my youngest brother's heart lo but never mine cause she costs me over RM60 for my shoes and slippers! She had ruined my favourite pair of Vincci slippers and another one bought by mum.

Just when they are getting along well with each other, Sugar was infected by dog disease. All the dogs in my neighbourhood were infected by this disease and 90% of them were dead already when Sugar got infected. She lose her appetite and was getting thinner and thinner slowly each day. We consulted the vet but unfortunately vet said dog disease is like human SARS. Once the dog gets it, the healing percentage is very low. And he said 80% cannot survive. However, she was performing quite well when I was at home for CNY. Unfortunately my youngest brother told me that she was suffering badly when I went back here in PJ. She couldn't move when she fell into the small drain at the side of our house one day. She was trying real hard to stand up but the disease weakens her muscle strength. My mum heard her crying unusually outside the house and thought that it was Gigi who bullies her again.

Since then, everyone was praying real hard for her to recover especially my youngest brother. My youngest brother was by her side until she leaved us one afternoon. Everyone was upset.Mum cried, Jeff cried, Jerome cried and I cried too. Dad must be real sad too. Mum said Sugar is not destinied to be with us for the rest of her life...


Though she was just a typical dog, she will remain in our hearts forever and ever.

How I wish to have a pet dog here now~~ But dogs here are damn expensive la! Can't afford to get one :(

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Wu Liao

Suddenly feel like posting up these photos to "wash" your eyes away from the tiredness that you had for the day. Trust me, they work better that Eye-Mo-Moist… Kekeke

This is naughty Angel, who decided to shove a coconut-flavoured candy into Aunty’s (Cherry) mouth when she talked too much of philosophy that day! Hahaha Poor Aunty…

Next is, the latest photo of Angel and I taken in front of Borders’s entrance in Time Square. Psst… She is in her birthday suit that her sweet brother bought for her leh.. *envy* Come to think of it, I haven’t receive any gifts from my brother since he got married *sob* *sob*

Coming up next is… Miss Lopez and I

Amanda and I wore tops with more a less the same patterns. Amanda was so excited when she saw the top in KL Sentral the other day. She loves it so much that she even asked for my permission if she can buy the top (because I bought the top first elsewhere). Cute Amanda. Of course I don’t mind when she asked me and guess what? We actually agreed to wear the clothes together the next day~ hahahaha Amanda, Amanda, you’re so cute!

Well, don’t think I have anymore photos to share lo. Lazy wanna take photos anyway. Unless you guys wanna see a lot of me “Zi Pai” la! Hahahaha~~ That’s what Angel does everynight before she sleeps! Hahahahaha Isn’t she cute?

I think I better stop typing. If she finds out she’s gonna kill me with her high pitch voice! Am I right, Valerie???

*wicked laugh*

Friday, March 23, 2007

Truth Revealed

I was way too depressed last night that I broke down and cried my eyes out which cause me having a big, swollen, wanton-look eyes the next morning. Believe me. I look HORRIBLE this morning!! And I’m so grateful to have Angel beside me last night. I might kill myself last night if she wasn’t there. Thank you very much Angel… You are really an Angel. Not forgetting my buddy, Yin Ting, who is always ready to listen to my craps…and always enlightened me up. Thanks buddy~

Anyways, I finally found out the truth… As I had mentioned earlier in my previous entry, my mysteries have been answered. I asked my mum to do me a favour this morning. Mum helped me called Sibu Hospital to make sure whether he was admitted into the hospital all this while or not. Somehow I don’t have the guts to make the call because I prefer my mum to tell me the truth. I trust her.

Well, mum dug the whole hospital up for male wards admittance lists and even the admittance lists for the whole hospital for my ex’s name. That sweet nurse told my mum that there was no such name found since February until today.

Though I had prepared myself 90% that it’s a lie… I somehow felt my heart hurts so so much that I couldn’t breathe for a long 5 seconds. Everybody around me spoke in silence suddenly, I couldn’t hear them, I saw them moving in slow-motion… my brain was trying to digest the fact that I just heard from my mum. That he is LYING. LYING all the way until this morning… Words can’t tell how painful my heart is neither can anyone tell how painful I am inside.

Maybe everyone will ask, “Why bother when you guys broke up already?”

I know too. But 3-years relationship is not easy to let go… I thought that both of us will end up together… I just can’t do the things that I wanna do. I’m very much disturbed and burdened. I did try my very best to ignore everything about us. I wish I’m cruel. I wish that I’m cold-blooded. I even act “cool and cruel” in front of him. I scolded him when all he wanna do is to say a simple, “How are you?”. The other part of me wanna tell him very much that I’m not that good as I appear or sound to be but I just don’t wanna build any hope between me and him. I don’t wanna top up his sufferings anymore. I’m the one who bring the sufferings that he shouldn’t bear. I’m so bad. I’m merciless.

I remembered vividly that he once told me, “Before I met you I thought God created me to live a dull and gray life. But after meeting you I thank God that He has sent you to brighten and fill my life with colours.”

I’m crying once again. Things just can’t wipe off from me. The inside of me is crying out loud, reaching for help, gasping for air. I can hear my heart pleading my mind not to torture her anymore but my mind just couldn’t stop it. Mind apologizes to Heart. Mind hopes Heart can tolerate Mind for a period of time. Mind needs a couple more time to sort things out. Mind promises Heart that Mind will get over it soon. Just bear with Mind in the mean time…
My parents are advising me not to turn back since I have already made the decision. Life is so cruel.

All the people around me are asking me to get over it and turn a new leaf. I know I know. I am trying very very hard to struggle through it. But somehow, that nostalgic feeling just managed to pierce into my small, little, fragile heart so easily that it won’t knock when it wants to enter your heart. Rude, isn’t it?


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It's time to sing AMAZING GRACE...

There is an upset feeling haunting me since this morning (Sun, 18th March)

My heart was a bit “achy” the moment I opened my eyes this morning.. I am feeling so down that I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t know why this feeling’s there cause I didn’t quarrel with anyone, no cat-fights either, didn’t feel unsatisfied, family’s okay… I really have no idea why I am still very upset…

This kind of feeling really makes me moody the whole day long.. Can’t afford to offer a smile to anyone...(How selfish!!) No mood to laugh even though Angel did try her best to cheer me up.


I had a lot of flash-back lately.. Don’t know why… I am wondering whether I’m gonna die or not cause usually before a person dies he/she will flash back the journey of their lives before they leave this world.


I am thinking of how my ex is doing… Curious bout his sickness… Well, I choose to believe that his sickness is somehow true. He is not lying (though I don’t have enough evidence to prove) and I feel so bad inside that I previously accused him. I know I am contradicting myself and I’ve been telling myself that if I found him lying to me one day, I’ll still forgive him for his childishness.. He loves me too much that he couldn’t afford to lose me…I can feel his pain. I know I’ve been really cruel to him… but in relationships…when it doesn’t work anymore you just have to let go. Unfortunately, he just couldn’t get it.

I need a time-out. That’s all. In fact, I’m hoping that he is concocting stories to catch my attention cause I really don't wish to see him suffer from any illness. Each time my phone rings, I was hoping that the person who sends me SMS is not him cause he usually sent me bad news since we broke up. He would tell me how many days he has not been eating, the pain that he goes through everyday, etc etc. In a way, he is psycho-attacking me! And I really feel burdened and emotionally disturbed by these. The purpose of breaking up is to have a TIME-OUT and look what I’d done? Instead of having a TIME-OUT, I’m suffering a heavy psycho-battle here!!! Anyone!!?????!!! Can you please tell me whether I am doing the right thing or not?!! If don’t break up I’ll suffer.. After broke up, I suffer COMBO HIT PSYCHO ATTACK!!! This is BULLSHIT!! Sometimes I really feel like committing suicide!!

Honestly, I really don’t wanna see him suffering from any illness... A person like him shouldn’t suffer any kind of illness and he surely deserves a better girl instead of me. He should live a happy life and not what he’s experiencing now. I really don’t know what else to do besides giving him endless advices (which he’ll never listen)

What else can I do!!!??????!!! Let him attack me continuously??? This is ridiculous!!! I’m really DOOMED!

Anyways, I think he’ll live a longer life than me cause he’s really good at psycho-attacking me.

Hence, I officially announce that my brain power now left only 40% to defend myself from the attacks… How long can I live really depend on the frequency of his attacks.

P.S: Being in love sucks!!!! DAMN SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore, being in a relationship is totally the silliest and stupidest thing to do in this world!!! You know what? This actually shows how much you DON’T appreciate your life!!! (No offence to anyone)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Specially Dedicated to Jimmy

Two days ago marked one of my most memorable days of my life here in PJ.

One of my wish was finally GRANTED!!!


Lots of thanks and gratitude to Jimmy that I finally can hold my head upright when people ask me, “Eh, ever been to Putrajaya before?”

Now I can finally answer them, “YES!”

Thanks to Jimmy again lo… cause I never thought that he will bring us there without prior planning (plus that time was already 1am something!). The trip was really unexpected. And most of all, I enjoyed myself very much and I think everyone feel the same way too. J

Well, Jimmy, in case you’re reading this, I would like to dedicate the poem below especially for you. Hope you’ll like it.

Just wanna let you know that,
You are such a great person,
To befriended and to spend time with,
Though I know that sometimes,
I couldn’t be there when you needed friends the most,
I would like to let you know that,
Though we are far apart,
Our prayers will always be with you,
We appreaciate you,
As much as you appreciate us.

Though it’s not a poem full of Shakespearean language, hope you’ll like it anyway cause I seldom dedicated own poem to anyone leh~ *whoops*


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Suicidal Relationship

I think I'm losing my senses and abilities day by day...

I can forget so easily where I put important things like Keys.

My memory deteriorates.

Factor of contributing???

well.. of lousy 3 year-old relationship with my ex plus the break-in that happened few days ago.

Last Saturday (3/3/2007), the house that I rented was broke-in by a/some stupid theif/thieves!

Angel and I heard some noises downstairs (our land lady went outstation left only the 2 of us staying in the big double-storey house) on Friday night but we refused to believe that there was actually someone trying to break in the house. Isn't that funny? None of us dare to risk our lives to go down and find out what's going on! Our legs just couldn't move! We kept on persuading ourselves that the noise was from the neighbours' who were having some kinda gathering. Angel kept telling me not to think too much (cause I usually do) and everything's gonna be just fine when we woke up in the morning. So, OK, I carried on with my assignment and Angel started her journey to meet her Prince Charming in her dream. I know we're being selfish, but who's gonna pay back our lives to our parents IF both of us went down the other night and so happen that the stupid guy or guys armed themselves with knives or parang? We could be potentially killed leh!

I was horribly traumatized after the incident. Couldn't dare to go downstairs anymore without Angel and both of us stuck together like glue every second praying hard that Aunty will sense that something is going wrong with her house and zoom back A-S-A-P!

The moron ran away with some petty cash and a cheque. Our smart land lady said luckily she asked her son to give her ang pao in cheque to prevent matter like this. Wow! as if she can predict what is gonna happen ho? So even if the moron stole the cheque, it doesn't mean that he can withdraw the money and the cheque amount is 10 times more than the petty that the moron stole. Can't imagine how he feels when he leaped out happily from our house the other night and walking out from bank with a sour face when the cheque fails to get operated. *wicked laugh*

After the break-in case, my ex smsed me one day telling me that he is infected by Denggi. Of course at first I was like "Oh My God, how could this happen?" and very naturally I started to concern bout him. I had even asked my parents to pay him a visit in the hospital. Ok.. that's pretty normal right? But things were not the same again when my mum rang up and told me that his name was not in the admission list when few minutes ago he just told me that he was admitted into Sarikei Hospital. How come?!! My parents even went to the quarantine ward specially for Denggi patients to search for him but still couldn't find him. Then, mum suddenly asked me, "Eh, do you think he's pulling our legs?"

I was like ......."Ha? No eh....?? What for??"


My brain begins to spin, spin and spin. Stupidly, I'm still defending him. I still choose to believe him! And my mum who will never give up (until the truth is revealed), starts to investigate his every move since then.

I was thinking.. Why wanna lie to me? Why wanna do all these things? These ain't funny man!!!! This is LIFE man!!!

I became more and more angry when come to think of it. With disturbed emotion, I called him and demanded him for an explanation! Wanna know what he told me?
He said, "I just came out from the Hospital when your parents went to visit me."

Laaaaaaameeeeeeeeeee!!! Why dont you tell me that Sarikei Hospital sent you to Sibu Hospital due to your serious condition instead HUH!???!!!!!?!?!!??!Huh!!!??? HUH??!!!

I was so angry and confused! I don't know who to believe. There are too many suspicious areas that makes me hard to believe him anymore but at the same time, there is this 0.001%. What if it's true? I'll be guilty for the rest of my life. I really hate myself for being kind and naive!!!

And for these reasons, I've had sleepless night which I think causing me to become forgetfull and I am late for class as well. DamN! Every day, I will receive at least one new bad news from him telling me that his body temperature is rising high, having sore throat, posibilty of getting other illnesses etc etc.

Why wanna torture me like this!!???!!! I couldn't stand this anymore!

This is the first time that I feel like committing suicide right away!