Truth Revealed

I was way too depressed last night that I broke down and cried my eyes out which cause me having a big, swollen, wanton-look eyes the next morning. Believe me. I look HORRIBLE this morning!! And I’m so grateful to have Angel beside me last night. I might kill myself last night if she wasn’t there. Thank you very much Angel… You are really an Angel. Not forgetting my buddy, Yin Ting, who is always ready to listen to my craps…and always enlightened me up. Thanks buddy~

Anyways, I finally found out the truth… As I had mentioned earlier in my previous entry, my mysteries have been answered. I asked my mum to do me a favour this morning. Mum helped me called Sibu Hospital to make sure whether he was admitted into the hospital all this while or not. Somehow I don’t have the guts to make the call because I prefer my mum to tell me the truth. I trust her.

Well, mum dug the whole hospital up for male wards admittance lists and even the admittance lists for the whole hospital for my ex’s name. That sweet nurse told my mum that there was no such name found since February until today.

Though I had prepared myself 90% that it’s a lie… I somehow felt my heart hurts so so much that I couldn’t breathe for a long 5 seconds. Everybody around me spoke in silence suddenly, I couldn’t hear them, I saw them moving in slow-motion… my brain was trying to digest the fact that I just heard from my mum. That he is LYING. LYING all the way until this morning… Words can’t tell how painful my heart is neither can anyone tell how painful I am inside.

Maybe everyone will ask, “Why bother when you guys broke up already?”

I know too. But 3-years relationship is not easy to let go… I thought that both of us will end up together… I just can’t do the things that I wanna do. I’m very much disturbed and burdened. I did try my very best to ignore everything about us. I wish I’m cruel. I wish that I’m cold-blooded. I even act “cool and cruel” in front of him. I scolded him when all he wanna do is to say a simple, “How are you?”. The other part of me wanna tell him very much that I’m not that good as I appear or sound to be but I just don’t wanna build any hope between me and him. I don’t wanna top up his sufferings anymore. I’m the one who bring the sufferings that he shouldn’t bear. I’m so bad. I’m merciless.

I remembered vividly that he once told me, “Before I met you I thought God created me to live a dull and gray life. But after meeting you I thank God that He has sent you to brighten and fill my life with colours.”

I’m crying once again. Things just can’t wipe off from me. The inside of me is crying out loud, reaching for help, gasping for air. I can hear my heart pleading my mind not to torture her anymore but my mind just couldn’t stop it. Mind apologizes to Heart. Mind hopes Heart can tolerate Mind for a period of time. Mind needs a couple more time to sort things out. Mind promises Heart that Mind will get over it soon. Just bear with Mind in the mean time…
My parents are advising me not to turn back since I have already made the decision. Life is so cruel.

All the people around me are asking me to get over it and turn a new leaf. I know I know. I am trying very very hard to struggle through it. But somehow, that nostalgic feeling just managed to pierce into my small, little, fragile heart so easily that it won’t knock when it wants to enter your heart. Rude, isn’t it?

*sigh*