Thinky Thinky

Been thinking a lot since I am back home.


After reading KS's entry on "How Do Couples Keep The 'Spark' Alive In Their Relationship?"

I am kinda "awake" as in not being ignorant in matters like this anymore. I used to ignore and think, "Nah, I don't need those things yet."

But now, "Bah (yesh Chrissy, am using ur famous word again haha), I better start thinking and choose which path I wanna go".

How do couples keep the spark alive in their relationship ya?

I wonder too.

Mum's like asking me a lot bout marriage since I am turning 22 real soon (that's an obvious hint for pressies too! MUAAHAHAHAHHAAHA).

Well you know, questions like...

1) Have you been thinking of getting married after you graduate?
2) Are you ready for marriage?
3) What do you think of marriage?
4) Etc Etc...

Something like those...

From the surface, I dont care much about 'marriage', but I have to admit, those questions are disturbias.

And when I let my thoughts run wild, I see fear and as a result I chicken-out.

No joke.

I would go like this.

My thought:

If my bf proposed to me one day, will I say yes on the spot and then began to reconsider my decision when I get back home? Or will I say no and rejected him, making things turn awful? Or will I say yes and regret right after? And the list goes on and on... I cant list all of the possibilities. There are so many of them!!

If yes, am I really ready for marriage? Am I willing enough to vow and give my true love to him for the rest of my life? Am I willing to (like the experienced said) step into the world of sufferings and bid freedom bye-bye?

And this is where I start to chicken-out.

Maybe too many divorce cases, too many family problems, too many child abuse cases freak me out effortlessly.

I told myself that if I wanna build a family, it's has to be a stable ones, no hesitation.

I am still touching my out in the dark so far.

I see no light in the dark tunnel.

Touching and rubbing my way out.

Thinking about the future is scary sometimes because I am so afraid to end up lonely.

Contradictingly, I dont wanna give up my dreams. I still wanna fulfill my dreams... Bah~ (again, Chrissy, I know). This is it ladies, when you reach ages like these, you are at the most critical point... this is where your sacrifice counts!

And I just realised how lack of self-understanding I am!! And this is crucial for my future.

Because I will be graduating next semester and every decision I make will affect my LIFE! And I can never turn back time if what I have decided is already done.

Scary T_T

Now I know what is the real meaning of the big word- R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-T-Y!!!

Shoulders are feeling the burdens already.

No wonder I get sore-shoulders so easily lately and would demand Chrissy to send me e-choppys and e-massages! Eh, shreky?